Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize