I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
