so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
