i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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