my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
