I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I could fuck to npr.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
