We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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