She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
