I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I am available for nakedness
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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