so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize