I want to make a zoo with you.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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