I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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