I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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