sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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