At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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