Your dad touched me again.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Are my feet made of real feet?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
