dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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