I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize