I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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