For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
