the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
