New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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