the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
