If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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