chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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