So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
