i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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