Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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