Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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