I'd wear matching sweaters with you
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
