He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize