I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize