We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
