apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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