just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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