morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
