I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
