so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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