rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
This toilet bowl is my home.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
