I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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