in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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