no, he came in my armpit
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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