bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
