I wish I could teleport
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
