Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
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