Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
