How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
