I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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