i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
