Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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