Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
