the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
