apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
