Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Two words: blizzard sex
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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