My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
There's always time for handjobs
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
