I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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