Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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