You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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