All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
