you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Ketchup is God's man juice
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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