My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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