i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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