also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
